Confessions
by nerdcoast
Summary: Set after 5x03 so inherently there are spoilers. One shot where Gail gets an unexpected visitor.


**_So, I couldn't stop my mind from wandering again. This is set the morning after fight night. I kind of just spilled this all out suddenly, so it has not been beta read, and there are of course spoilers. You have been forewarned. Thanks for reading :)_**

* * *

I

Gail hated desk duty, like truly, from the bottom of her heart hated it. She would much rather be out on the streets, getting her pent up frustrations out on petty criminals. But instead she sat glued to this rather uncomfortable chair, shuffling papers around. If there was any plus side to the day, it was purely the convenience of proximity to a coffee pot, and aspirin. She had worse hangovers a dozen times during shift, but her mood was already sour, and the thought of being stuck in a cruiser all day with someone was not that appealing either. So she settled in, sipping on her third cup of coffee since parade, hoping to make the best out of the day. The though was barely through her head when she realized how stupid it was. She was Gail Peck, reigning queen of everything pessimistic. And with Holly very likely out of the picture, she had no reason to put on a happy face and pretend things were peachy, because they most definitely were not. No. So instead of trying to pass off the day as a potential win, Gail decided to just bask in the altogether shittyness of the day. Nothing a little snark and bite couldn't fix. God help the next person to come into the station, because Gail Peck had her game face on.

Within ten minutes the first unlucky victim walked through the door and approached the desk. At the sound of shuffling feet Gail pulled her face up from the stack of paperwork in front of her. For a moment she was sure she was losing it. She actually had to do a double take, because there was no way in hell that the woman standing before her would be stupid enough to pull a stunt like this.

"You better be here to tell me you've been robbed."

It was the only welcome offered, but the woman took it in tow. Rachel stared back at her, seemingly at a loss for what to say. Gail was half tempted to get up and walk away when the woman finally made a move. An extremely large and steaming hot cup of coffee appeared on her desk, followed by a box of donuts. Gail eyed the new additions to her workspace before glancing back at the other woman.

"Is this some sort of jab? Cops and donuts? You know, because I am just a lowly beat cop after all."

Rachel seemed slightly taken aback by Gail's response. For someone who had come all the way over to 15 just to rub this mess in her face, Rachel looked rather surprised that it wasn't met kindly. It struck Gail as odd, but her mood didn't change.

"Gail, listen. I am sorry for last night. This isn't a joke at your expense, I swear. It's an olive branch. Holly had mentioned before that you were a bit of a caffeine addict and you loved junk food. Seeing as it is early, I thought I would bring donuts. Everyone loves donuts. And I hear that these are your favorite."

Gail didn't reply, but acknowledged it internally for what it was, the start of an apology. She kept quiet, but reached for the box of donuts, removing the largest before closing the lid again. Rachel shuffled nervously, clearly unsure if she should leave, or continue. Gail pushed her "DAD" coffee mug aside in favor of the fresh cup and motioned for Rachel to continue.

"I'm sorry for everything last night, really. That wasn't how I thought the night would go. You have to understand Lisa. She has been through the ringer, and has problems trusting anybody's relationship. Plus she has a tendency to stick her nose in other people's business. But she and Holly are like sisters. She literally saved Holly's life when we were younger, so Holly has never been able to stand up to her outright. And it isn't that Lisa doesn't love her, because she does. She has Holly's best interests at heart; she just doesn't know how to not cross boundaries. Basically she can't keep her mouth shut."

Gail dropped her gaze, not sure how she felt about Rachel's confession, or what she was supposed to do with it. The only words she could seem to find were a quiet "okay." It was really more of a question than anything. Rachel took a second to look around and make sure she wasn't holding anyone up, or causing a problem for Gail before she continued. The last thing she needed was to get Gail in trouble for socializing on the job.

"I'll get to the point. Holly is an amazing woman, she really is. But she comes with a past. She doesn't have the best track record for long term relationships. Her work is very important to her, and she has lost a lot in life already, so she is hesitant to let someone fill her time and her heart. So you are a big step for her. She really cares about you. You need to know that. Lisa, she is just protective, and a bit apprehensive."

"Then why did Holly say we were just having fun? Why does it feel like she isn't in this for the long haul?"

Rachel was silent for a moment before speaking. Gail took the opportunity to sneak a glance her way, trying to get a read on her expression. She seemed almost sad, a bit regretful even.

"Holly really cares about you. If she meant that, that this was just fun, just a fling, she wouldn't have introduced us. She wouldn't have talked about so much that I knew enough about you to show up with coffee and a dozen donuts. She wouldn't have gotten so upset last night that I had to drive her home, and sit on her couch with her in tears for almost two hours. She knows she made a mistake not defending you Gail, but…she just…there is just too much history between her and Lisa for her to make something into a fight. She feels indebted. She owes her life to her, and it didn't come without a cost to Lisa. I don't think it is really my place to tell you that story, but please, just go talk to her. I know her well enough to know that this thing with you, it means too much to her for it to end like this."

Gail was silent. Rachel's speech held more information than she was ready to fully process, nor was she ready to promise much either.

"Thank you." It was barely a whisper, but it was all she could bring herself to say. It wasn't often she used those words either, but she had a feeling that coming here like this took a lot of determination. She knew Holly well enough to know that her friend would be going out on a limb like this, coming to see her. This wasn't coming from Holly, this was all Rachel, and Holly probably wouldn't be pleased if she found out about it either. Not to mention this woman didn't really know Gail, and she didn't owe her much of anything. But she had come here, made herself vulnerable and exposed, and offered a sincere apology on behalf of herself, and even for Holly and Lisa. It was clear she cared about her friend, and maybe even about Gail too. So Gail Peck, thanked someone, and meant it.

Rachel took Gail's thanks to heart and left with an almost hopeful smile, leaving Gail slightly dumbfounded, staring into the spot where she had been standing. The phone on her desk broke the silence and her concentration. Her internal debate would have to wait.

* * *

II

It was nearly dark when Gail knocked on Holly's door. They had not spoken since the evening prior, Gail was not even sure if Holly was home. In fact, she almost hoped she wasn't. Maybe this was a bad idea, maybe she should have gone home instead, thought through the jumbled mess Rachel had left in her mind all day. Just as Gail had made up her mind to leave, the door opened.

Holly stood glued to the spot, barely peeking out of her semi-opened front door. It was clearly obvious that Holly had not expected her to just show up. It took Holly a full two minutes to even register Gail's presence before she came to her senses and opened the door for Gail to come in. Holly closed the door behind them and followed her into the kitchen. Gail slid up onto her counter top, swinging her legs out in front of her nervously.

"Rachel came to see me this morning."

The words sounded weird in the thick silence. Gail could have sworn they weren't hers, they sounded too loud. She wished Holly's TV or radio was on. It was far too quiet in here.

"She what?" Gail glanced up and found Holly's eyes. Was that anger? Maybe Holly assumed it had gone poorly? Maybe she was just upset that her friend had gone behind her back.

"She came to apologize for last night. About how things went and about Lisa…and you."

Holly's mouth opened and closed a few times. "I...uh…I didn't know she was going to do that. I'm sorry she just showed up."

"No. It's okay, really. She, well, she said I should come talk to you. I guess there are some things we need to discuss."

Gail tried to lock on Holly's eyes, but the brunette was staring at the ground. Instead she was only offered a nod of the head and further silence. She tried not to let her anger boil up again. Shouldn't Holly be begging her for forgiveness by now? She didn't exactly have a lot of patience for this whole situation in the first place.

"Gail, I am sorry, about last night. I hope you know that this thing between us, it isn't just having fun. It is more than that, and I hope we both know it. I was just cornered and I didn't really think it was the best scenario to have to completely validate our relationship to someone else, especially since we have never actually defined it. I should have said more though. I should have stuck up for you. I know that. And I know that you are so much more than a beat cop, and I don't think I am out of your league. I see you as an equal."

Gail stopped picking at the edge of the counter and sought out Holly's eyes again, finding her chocolate brown looking right back into her blue.

"You're right. You should have said something, but you didn't."

Hurt flashed across Holly's eyes. Normally Gail would just try to even the score, but the look in Holly's eyes just hurt her more. She sighed loudly and slipped off the counter.

"Look Holly, I am not in this for fun. I wanted a lot more than just fun, and honestly I still do. But I can't be just some girl to you. I can't let myself walk into heartbreak knowingly. I need you to be in this too, or I can't do it at all."

Holly took a step towards Gail, not sure how close she would let her actually get. "I don't want you to be just some girl Gail. You never have been, ever. I am in this, that is if you give me another chance." Holly waited for a response. Gail only stood fixed in place, clearly deep in thought.

"What happened between you and Lisa?"

Holly was completely caught off guard. This was not the response she had anticipated, but obviously Gail needed to know more.

"What do you mean?" Holly's words were barely a whisper.

She inched closer, reaching out to take Holly's hands in her own. "I need to know Hols. What happened?"

Suddenly it clicked. "I…how…how do you know about that? Rachel?"

"Yeah, well sort of. She wouldn't tell me what happened, just that, you feel you owe her a lot."

Gail could see the tears forming in Holly's eyes. Part of her wanted to take it back, regretting her intrusion. Obviously it was still a touchy subject for Holly. She was on the brink of telling her just that when she felt Holly tug her out of the kitchen and towards the couch. "Sorry. I just need to sit down for this."

Her heart instantly broke for the woman before her. Holly was a rock, a strong, independent, rock. Seeing her this heartbroken was gut wrenching.

"You don't have to do this Hols. It can wait. I didn't mean to open a wound."

"No. You should know. I mean, we tell each other things, right?"

They both let out a nervous laugh at her reference, breaking some of the tension. Holly slid back against the arm of the couch, mirroring Gail's position. She took a deep breath in, placed her glassed down on the coffee table and started talking.

Gail sat transfixed as Holly talked, taking in each word, each breath, each pause. Her guilt spread as every minute passed. She should have talked to Holly last night, given her a chance to explain. They had both been at fault, and Gail realized just how much it took for Holly to say as much in her defense as she had. She knew first-hand the guilt, and remorse, and heartache that Holly was facing. She still felt it every time she saw Traci. Suddenly everything fell into place, gears turning, pieces connecting. She was staring at herself, a slightly older, nerdier, but completely similar version of herself. She never would have imagined that her and Holly's stories could be so parallel. So she sat, and listened for well over an hour as Holly told her the story. She listened to Holly tell her about her car accident. The one she had gotten into in college. The one that killed both her parents, and left her on life support in the hospital, waiting on a transplant that she wouldn't live long enough to receive off of the waiting list alone. She listened to Holly tell her how neither of her parent's had been able to donate due to the extent of their injuries, how they had only been able to harvest a few organs each, and not the one she needed. She listened to Holly tell her about how both Lisa and Rachel had gotten themselves tested to see if they were a match. Rachel wasn't, but Lisa, Lisa was, and so Lisa had donated one of her kidneys without so much as a thought, leaving herself with only one. She listened to Holly tell her how three years later, Lisa's sister had gone into renal failure, and how just like Holly, she wouldn't survive without a donation. But this time, there was no one to donate. There was one match only, Lisa, just Lisa. The same Lisa that only had one of her kidneys because Holly had the other. And as much as it broke her heart, Gail listened as Holly told her how Lisa's sister had passed away, waiting for another match.

So there it was. And suddenly Gail felt more love and heartbreak than she ever had in her life. Holly, her Holly, had almost died, and Lisa literally saved her life with a part of her. The same part that could have saved her sister. It was as if she was looking at herself, her own guilt at Jerry's death, and Traci's loss. Everything made sense now. It was crystal clear. No matter how much of a bitch, how rude and judgmental Lisa could be, Holly would never leave. She couldn't. She owed that woman her life. She owed Lisa everything. Just like Gail owed Traci.

"Holly?" Gail slid closer to the crying woman on the other side of the couch, desperate to make any contact. "Baby, look at me, please."

Holly's bloodshot eyes rose slowly to meet her own. Gail reached out to wipe the tears from her cheeks.

At Gail's touch, Holly burst into a teary plea. "I'm sorry. I know that is a lot to take in and I don't expect you to understand it all. I just hope that you can see past my mistake last night. I don't want to lose you."

"Hey, listen to me okay? I'm not going anywhere. It couldn't be any clearer now to me how much you want this to work. I know it took a lot to tell me that, I really do. And I need you to know that I understand. Jerry's death; there is more to that than you know, and I promise you that story, but not tonight. I think we have been through enough of an emotional ringer for one evening. What do you say we make some tea, go upstairs and just lay in bed together for a while?"

"I'd like that." For the first time all night, Holly smiled. "Just one more thing though?"

"Hmm?"

Holly closed the distance between the both of them. Her hands reached out, pulling Gail in closer until their lips were pressing lightly together. Holly pulled out of the kiss slowly and rested her forehead against Gail's, her words coming in a whisper. "Can we just set the record straight and agree that this thing between us is the real deal? I just need to know I haven't lost you."

"You haven't Hols. I am right here, where I need to be, with my girlfriend. Okay?"

Gail's word choice did not go unnoticed. Holly's smile widened broken only so she could place a second kiss to Gail's lips. "Ok." She stood from the couch, pulling Gail up with her. "Come on babe. Let's go get some tea."


End file.
